Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The 2010 MTV Movie Awards Fashion Report Card

I know. Korean popstar and all-around hottie, Rain, was definitely snubbed by only being nominated in one category (at least he won the badass award, thanks). But enough venting...

Every year, The MTV Movie Awards commemorates the finest moments of the film industry by awarding the things that make up the lives of teenage girls (Twilight swept every category! and R-patz won TWO gold popcorns!).

Any MTV award show is usually fashions excuse for fun. It's also an excuse for people to wear some bizarre shit. Enjoy!

Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner

Grade for Rob: B
Grade for taylor: A

Both looked good, but r-patz wears the same thing like, all the fucking time. Nice choice of blue for the jacket on Taylor. Team Jacob! (Kristen review further below).

Aziz Ansari

Designer: various
Grade: A+

Whoever let him host needs to get a promotion. His senior-prom vibe tuxes were worn with a certain charm and charisma that he can most definitely pull off. Now, can someone please get him his own movie? I'm talking to you, Judd Apatow.


Designer: I'm gonna guess from his own label?
Grade: D

ughhhhhh. never, ever, ever pair a jean jacket with same-color jeans. Not even if your diddy. c'mon buddy, you own your own clothing company...

Sandra Bullock

Designer: Oday Shakar
Grade: A+

This dress can prob inspire a many eating disorders. Very gorgeous.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Designer: not sure
Grade: B+

nice, easy outfit. He's so adorable, i just want to pinch his cheeks.

Katy Perry

Designer: Zuhair Murad
Grade: B+

I love that she can have fun when your supposed to have fun without looking completely stupid (okay, maybe she looks stupid, but whatevs!). Great on-trend short, short hemline, fun blue hair and cute neon yellow nails. It's also fun that she barely covers her boobs and vag. It is an MTV event, after all. Also, her boobs deserve to be in the boobs hall of fame. They are seriously great.

Kristen Stewart

Designer: Dolce & Gabbana
Grade: A

Okay I know you all can see i'm biased, but she really looks great. Nice super-short hemline (very on-trend this season), great extensions in a ponytail, great shoes, nice smokey eyes. She really looks like a rockstar. You can't even try to argue with me on this. Her stylist has been really on point lately.

Ed Helms

Grade: B+

Hot dad vibe. *sigh* <3

Elisabeth Reaser (mom vampire from twlight)

Designer: not sure
Grade: B

Hotttt jumpsuit. slight downgrade for bad shoes.

Anna Kendrick

Designer: Zac Posen
Grade: A+

I had no clue she secretly has awesome boobs. Love the color, shoes and the short hemline.

Seth Green (or Jamie Kennedy?... idk, what's the diff)

Designer: who cares
Grade: F

Hey man, thanks for showing up to your job interview at the fucking MTV movie awards. I think your relevance expired sometime after Austin Powers stopped being cool.

Vanessa Hudgens

Designer: Jenny Packham
Grade: C

boring babydoll dress. Ew, that Snooki pout is really gross.

Whitney Port of the Hills

Designer: not sure
Grade: B


Audrina Patridge of the Hills

Designer: *yawn*
Grade: *yawn*

Stephanie Pratt of the Hills

Designer: zZzZzZzZz
Grade: zZzZzZz...

(why is her skin as neon as her dress?)

Ken Jeong and Ed Helms

Designer: had to be God
Grade: A

I shouldn't have to explain myself.

Christina Aguilera

Designer: Versace
Grade: D

Oh STFU xtina. Also, why do you have Christmas trimmings on your dress?

Zac Efron

Designer: not sure
Grade: C+

Outfits okay, jackets a bit too boxy, but here's my problem. I usually find you very attractive but the hair makes you look super homosexual. sadness. Go seek out Taylor Lautner and rediscover how to look cute again.

Lindsay Lohan

Designer: Pamela Roland
Grade: B

Honestly surprised this even happened. and I guess if you can invite the cast of Jersey Shore, you can invite her too. Fun, cool 70s vibe and nice strategic way to cover up her drunky ankle bracelet she's forced to wear. She still only gets a "B" because a) she's orange and, b) I still remain wary...

Scarlet Johansson

Designer: Dolce & Gabbana
Grade: A

What a sexy color. The length couldn't be more perfect.

Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Snooki (sp?)

Designer: not applicable
Grade: not applicable

This photo op was entirely too appropriate. I couldn't think of a better cast of characters.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Movie Review: Sex and the City 2

Sex and the City 2: About as sexy as SJP’s face

The creative geniuses behind the script for “Sex and the City 2” were obviously thinking of what the best ways to abuse the shows fan base might be. Not a moment was wasted.

Sure, I knew this movie would be bad…but I still went, even knowing it had a bloated run time of two and a half hours. Decades later, I emerged, wrinkles on my face, white hair and all, like I aged maybe 50 years. I still don’t know how I managed to sit through that.

“Sex and the City 2” is a story about four little girls. Charlotte learns having kids can be frustrating, and spends the entire movie feeling sorry for herself, despite having a nanny. She ends up making more sourpuss faces and throwing little tantrums than both of her little girls combined. Unknown to Sex and the City fans, Samantha loves sex, and her sex drive is very important to her. Miranda hates her job cuz her boss is sooooo mean, and like any strong woman with a lot of will power and determination, she quits. And best of all, Carrie realizes that married life might be hard…crazy concept!

One of the most charming things about the pioneering television series (that put HBO on the map) was that it celebrated every woman and their differences. Yes, they were rich New York socialites, but that didn’t mean the stories and themes that the show explored weren’t universal. In fact, men could have done a bit of good by learning a thing or two from watching the show. It was a smart, witty, generational look at love and dating in a modern world.

Instead, we get a terribly offensive, unnecessary sequel, with plenty of distasteful jabs at Arab culture, including the women. And what might a man think if they happen to be dragged to see this movie? Well, women only define themselves by the relationships they are in, and then they wrap up their feelings in obscenely expensive clothes and shoes. I get it, maybe the crazy budget they had just for clothes was meant to be an “escape” for everyone getting through our economic woes, but it was in bad taste. Carrie used to be a fashion icon, but her wardrobe (and everyone else’s for that matter) was just too indulgent and uninspired.

There’s nothing to really say about the films visual style, as the whole “cut to Carrie speaking, then cut to Big’s response, and repeat” was sooo 1918.

So basically, if you’ve never seen a movie before, you might like this. Also, if you’re an idiot, you would like this.

On the bright side, I saw a movie that was worse than Transformers 2.

Grade: F

Things that would have made a better Sex and the City sequel:

1. Sarah Jessica Parker gets plastic surgery on her face.
2. The whole cast gets stoned to death by homeless people.
3. Sarah Jessica Parker gets plastic surgery on her face.
4. Replace the cast with K-Stew as Charlotte, Christina Hendricks as Miranda, Blake Lively as Samantha, and to reinterpret the character Carrie Bradshaw into someone completely different, like Penelope Cruz, just for fun because everyone hates SJP.
5. Lastly, Sarah Jessica Parker gets plastic surgery on her face.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Movie Review: Prince of Persia

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton

Grade: A+
Reason: Jake Gyllenhaal is extremely hot. Try to forget the time he looked like he had down syndrome in Donnie Darko.

For real,
Grade: C+
Reason: ....meh. Also, Jake Gyllenhaal is really hot.